Why Is It So Hard for Me to Stay Connected to Positive Feelings?
Why Is It So Hard for Me to Stay Connected to Positive Feelings?
You’re often really attuned to negative feelings - both inside you and around you. Anger, anxiety, sadness. You look for them, you expect them, you notice them. It’s like your radar is always up. You’re always scanning, expecting, predicting, preparing.
Let’s be clear though - those feelings are normal. Anger, anxiety, sadness - they all happen. And for good reasons. They serve a purpose & aren’t bad feelings (despite what you’ve been told by others).
But it can be really overwhelming when they’re all that you notice - or all that you seem to feel.
It doesn’t mean that you’re broken. It doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to be a pessimist or a negativity magnet for the rest of your life.
What is a negativity bias?
Humans are wired to register the "bad stuff" more readily and urgently than the "good stuff."
This is called negativity bias, and it’s part of what keeps us safe. It has literally kept our species alive.
In prehistoric times if you didn’t notice the saber tooth tiger, you would probably become lunch. So, early humans learned to stay alert and attuned to the slightest possibility of danger.
In our modern, saber tooth tiger-free world we still face plenty of uncertainty. We do still need that capacity to pay attention to danger.
And yet, you want to feel and experience more than just anxiety, anger or sadness all the time. You want to feel joy, excitement, calm - and so much more.
How did I become so negative?
A persistent negative focus is often a learned one. So it’s worth considering the implicit and explicit messages that you may have gotten from your family and those around you.
You may have heard things like:
You’re too much to handle.
There’s never enough money.
We can never let our guard down.
Everyone is always out to get you.
Did you notice those around you stockpiling supplies or money, eating like there would be no more food, pointing out what was wrong in any (and every) situation?
Take a moment to be curious about what messages you may have integrated, without even realizing. It’s a normal thing to integrate the viewpoints of our parents and other adults we spend a lot of time with as kids. It’s a way to feel more accepted and loved.
How can I connect with positive feelings?
It isn’t enough to just think positive thoughts (or to be honest, that would have worked already!)
If your body and breath and nervous system are feeling primed for danger all the time, the positive thoughts will not have much of an impact.
Start here: get curious about helping your body feel 10% less hyper-alert.
Sometimes moving the dial all the way to 100% relaxed is just too much. But perhaps 10% is doable.
Maybe you can access that 10% through movement, or stillness, or music. Maybe it’s a certain song or looking at peaceful vacation pictures or petting your dog. Whatever it is, give yourself permission to do only that one thing for a couple of minutes at least.
And then notice what that feels like. Have your shoulders softened? Have you leaned back a bit? Is your breath a bit deeper?
Repetition can help you orient away from a highly alert state and towards a more relaxed and softened one. Don’t expect that doing this exercise one time will completely rewire your nervous system’s habits. It takes time and repetition and self-compassion.
Tracking glimmers helps you to connect to positive feelings
I find that most of my clients are familiar with triggers, but many fewer are familiar with glimmers. Glimmers - a term coined by Deb Dana, a therapist & author specializing in complex trauma & polyvagal theory - are small moments that spark joy or peace, which can help cue the nervous system to feel safe or calm.
Glimmers can be anything - and it’s okay if they’re small. Often, we wait to feel safe or calm until vacation, or the weekend, or the end of the workday, but it’s important to seek out glimmers in the midst of the everyday routine.
Paying attention to small glimmers is a way to shift that mindset. A glimmer can be the smell of your favorite kind of coffee brewing, watching a butterfly flit around the garden, taking a stretch that feels oh-so-good. I often explain glimmers as the thing that makes you smile softly or makes your heart happy. This will be different for everyone, so part of the exploration is figuring out your own glimmers (which will likely change and shift over time and different seasons of your life).
The key to glimmers is noticing and valuing them. When we do that it’s like the nervous system’s equivalent of building up strength and stamina.
An easy way to practice noticing and valuing glimmers is to keep a daily glimmer journal. You can use a notebook (that’s my preference because there’s something about writing by hand that makes me remember things) or in the Notes app of your phone.
I’d love to hear some of your recent glimmers - feel free to leave me a comment below.
Sometimes, old patterns make it impossible to see the glimmers - reach out
If you find that glimmer tracking feels impossible because the habit of seeing the negative and searching out danger is so ingrained in you, it might be the time to reach out for help.
Music therapy can help you gently rewire your nervous system towards the joyful while acknowledging what’s difficult. When we introduce opportunities to experiment with sound and music during a therapy session, you can connect with your creativity and the rhythms of your life in a new way. You can explore your feelings and your own emotional and family history, with greater ease and can often go deeper than with talk therapy alone.
If you’re interested in working together, you can learn more about me here and schedule your free phone consultation here.
About the Author:
Maya is a music therapist and psychotherapist in NYC and online throughout New York State.
She deeply enjoys working with people who are ready to explore rewiring their nervous systems towards joy and calm, while still acknowledging the impact of hurtful stories and dynamics. Her specialties include anxiety, childhood trauma, and high sensitivity (HSP).
A lifelong learner and reader, Maya loves learning new ways to deepen her own connection to positive feelings like joy, comfort and safety.
If you’re interested in working with Maya, you can learn more here or schedule your free phone consultation here.
You don’t have to stay stuck - it’s time to reclaim your rhythm.