Unraveling the Legacy of Intergenerational Trauma
Unraveling the Legacy of Intergenerational Trauma
One of my first encounters with intergenerational trauma was about apple juice.
I remember going down to my grandparents’ basement.
It always seemed dark down there, even when the light was on. And I was not a kid who liked darkness. The stairs and the floor were covered with thick dark carpet, so my feet always felt like they were sinking. The little window in the corner was skinny and close to the ground; it let in almost no light.
They’d send me down to get something or other. There was always so much stuff down there. Toilet paper and more toilet paper. Gallons and gallons of apple juice, often still in the plastic bag from the supermarket.
Maybe we understand something now about stockpiling toilet paper because of the early pandemic days, but the apple juice… There must have been 20 or 30 jugs down there at any given time.
My grandfather was a Holocaust survivor, and I think I knew even then that keeping the basement so well stocked was related to his past. And, when I reflect as my adult therapist self, I realize he probably had PTSD, too. As a young kid I was told not to ask him about the war, and you couldn’t help but notice the way he never sat with his back to a door.
Overbuying and storing apple juice (among other things) was a way he tried to cope and be prepared. It wasn’t enough.
How relatives’ and ancestors’ stories can shape your story
My grandfather escaped Germany in his early twenties, soon after Kristallnacht. It took almost three years for him to finally make his way to the US. As a teenager, I would learn a little bit of what he went through. He was separated from his mother, and then somehow found her again. He dealt with so much fear and danger as he crisscrossed Europe, just trying to survive. He once contemplated suicide when riding atop a train.
He ultimately became a successful cantor, had three children and seven grandchildren. But even when I was a little girl, I knew that he wasn’t very happy. Close, loving relationships were a challenge and he was always hyper focused on money, achievement, and safety.
These challenges were his own, and were the result of almost unimaginable adversity, but they were passed on to his family in various ways, even though we all were fortunate enough to live in what could be considered the “safety” of modern American life.
Unwittingly, like so many other survivors of atrocities like the Holocaust, my grandfather left a legacy of intergenerational trauma.
What is intergenerational trauma?
Intergenerational trauma occurs when the effects of trauma get passed down through generations.
Intergenerational trauma can originate from abuse, forced or voluntary migration, genocides like the Holocaust, systemic oppressions, and so much more. The survivors of the initial trauma may have been your parents, grandparents, and even further back.
Though the initial trauma didn’t happen to you, it still feels like it is yours to carry. Without realizing it, you may have internalized family members’ trauma responses. Their feelings and reactions to past events can shape your perspective and behavior.
The effects of intergenerational trauma can impact how you process and express your emotions. Your relationships, your capacity to deal with conflict and danger, and how you feel about money and safety and belonging are all influenced by your family’s past trauma history.
What I know about my legacy & how it influences me today
It takes a lot of introspection and therapy to get to the root of every element of your own personality. After years of doing my own work, I still can’t say with absolute confidence which of my own quirks, struggles, and tendencies come specifically from my grandfather’s traumatic experiences.
On the other side of my family, there were different stories of exile and different traumas that had to be endured. That inheritance surely left its imprint on me, too. When you consider what being Jewish in America means these days and having my own personality that includes shades of anxiety and sensitivity (I’m a fairly textbook highly sensitive person), there are a lot of factors to consider beyond the legacy left by one loving grandfather and his immensely difficult story.
What I can tell you is that I have my own tendency to overbuy. (Open my kitchen cabinet right now and you’ll find three extra jars of honey.) I also have a sense of “waiting for the other shoe to drop” and have fears that there isn’t going to be enough money to cover our needs. Both of those are classic examples of intergenerational trauma, but they’re also indicative of other struggles in our modern, capitalist society.
Stopping the cycle of intergenerational trauma in your own life
I really resonate with this quote by Terry Real, noted couples therapist & author:
“Family dysfunction rolls down from generation to generation, like a fire in the woods, taking down everything in its path until one generation has the courage to turn and face the flames. That person brings peace to their ancestors and spares the children that follow.”
If you’ve gotten this far in this blog post, there’s a good chance you sense (or you know) that intergenerational trauma has shaped your life and your experiences in some way.
As you reflect on your own story, I invite you to consider:
The moments in which you feel like you’re speaking from someone else’s voice or experiences
How emotions were framed, discussed, shamed or ignored
What it means to be safe - both for you personally and for your family
Stories you’re holding that you’re not sure what to do with
Therapy can help you process your intergenerational trauma - reach out
Recognizing that you carry around stories, beliefs, and burdens that are not yours is a powerful first step. Through therapy, you can begin to unpack the stories and explore how they’ve impacted your life and your relationship. Therapy will also allow you to grieve what may have been lost, and will also give you a chance to consider the resilience that runs through your family story.
If you’re curious about therapy, you can learn more about my NYC-based private practice here, including my speciality of intergenerational trauma. If you’d like to explore working together, let’s schedule your 20 minute phone consultation
About the Author
Maya is a music therapist and psychotherapist in NYC and online throughout New York State. She has a particular passion for helping those who have experienced intergenerational trauma learn to unpack family stories and secrets, unravel the sticky legacies, and reconnect with resilience and momentum.
If you’re interested in working with Maya, you can learn more here or schedule your free phone consultation here.
You don’t have to stay stuck - it’s time to reclaim your rhythm.