3 Reasons Why Anger Is So Hard for You
3 Reasons Why Anger Is So Hard for You
I often find that anger is a really hard feeling for my clients. They tend to experience their anger as explosive or something they push away or ignore.
Ideally we’d be able to express anger fully and safely, with people who don’t judge us for it and with the skills to calm ourselves down afterwards.
Anger is not a bad emotion to feel - it tells us what’s important to us and where/when our boundaries have been crossed or ignored.
But anger is really hard for you.
You either never feel it or when you feel it it’s explosive and overwhelming. Because anger really lives in your nervous system, your breath, and your body, it’s an especially hard one to think your way out of (and let’s be honest, you probably already tried that).
This doesn’t mean you’re broken or bad. But there’s a few reasons why anger could be really hard for you.
We often learn how to deal with and express anger from our families as we grow up.
And what we learn (either explicitly or implicitly) often gets repeated in our relationships as adults, so you might notice some of the following in either the family you grew up in or your relationships now (or both).
3 reasons why anger is so hard for you:
1. No one got angry (at least externally). Even when big things happened, your parents (or other adults) stuffed their feelings down or ignored them and put on a happy face or disconnected. There may have been sadness or disconnection from each other or avoiding conflict - but never a healthy, grounded experience or expression of anger.
You may have been told things like “we don’t get angry in this family” or been ignored when you were angry. Having experiences (or non-experiences, really) like this of anger often result in anxiety - the anger doesn’t go away, it just gets stored in your body and comes out in a different way.
Maybe no one expressed anger outwardly in your family, so you didn't either, but expressing anxiety about your grades was accepted so you learned to do that instead. The anger shifted a bit, but it remained in your body and your nervous system (anger and anxiety are often closely related in how they feel internally).
2. Everyone got angry. On the opposite end of the spectrum, big explosive anger (whether or not physical violence was a part of it) can be really overwhelming and scary - at any age, but especially for a child.
Your nervous system learned early on to stay in a state of high alert (or hyperarousal) and to constantly be scanning for danger or possible sensitive topics/situations. You learned that anger could mean throwing things, slamming doors, the possibility of being physically hurt, being shamed or criticized, feeling unsafe and uncared for, and more.
3. Anger was judged. Throwing judgment into the mix can really complicate things. But the reality is that it may have been part of the picture, regardless of whether no one got angry or everyone got angry.
You may have heard things like “only bitchy women get angry” or “it isn’t nice to be so loud”. People often judge what they don’t understand or like in themselves, but that’s really confusing for a kid - or an adult. If your family experienced intergenerational trauma or persecution of any kind, experiencing anger may not have been safe or even possible.
If judgment about anger was part of the picture, I imagine you internalized that judgment in some way. It’s a natural way to try to cope - except it usually results in intense self-criticism and judgement.
Not sure? Take a moment to notice what your internal response to your own anger or other people’s anger is.
Ready to express anger differently? Start here
1. Separate out the anger.
What does anger look like or sound like for you? Is it small or big? Quiet or loud? Where do you feel it in your body? Can you draw it on a piece of paper? Having some distance and physical separation from a feeling can help you slow down and learn more about it. It may feel a bit different to be curious about a feeling that’s been difficult for you for so long. But curiosity is often the first step to change - otherwise we just repeat the same patterns over and over.
2. What were you taught/shown about anger?
You can journal or jot down some bullet points in response to these prompts:
What were the examples/models of anger you saw?
Was anger spoken about? Never spoken about?
Anger is…
When I’m angry my body feels…
3. How does anger show up in the music you listen to?
Does music hold space for the anger you don’t let yourself feel or does it help you calm yourself after you experience explosive anger (or both)? You might notice some judgement or expectations come up around this – we get a lot of implicit and explicit messages about angry music in our society.
Does anger still feel hard? Reach out for therapy in New York
If you’re still struggling with anger, know that you’re not alone. Anger can be a complex emotion, but an important one for living as your most confident and authentic self.
I’d love to help you begin to understand more about your relationship to anger and how you can express it in a grounded and empowered way. Music therapy can help you connect with anger in a slowed down and creative way so you can understand what’s happening internally (and why) and explore different ways to express your anger without overwhelm.
If you’re interested in working together, learn more about me here and schedule your free therapy intro call here.
About the Author
Maya is a music therapist and psychotherapist in NYC and online throughout New York State.
She specializes in helping women with anxiety, childhood/intergenerational trauma and those who are highly sensitive (HSP) feel good enough, learn how to express their feelings without overwhelm, and show up in calm and confident ways in their work and relationships.
If you’re interested in working with Maya, you can learn more here or schedule your free therapy intro call here.
You don’t have to stay stuck - it’s time to reclaim your rhythm.